Ask Lambda Legal

Q: My partner and I have been together two years and are talking about making a formal commitment to each other. We are domestic partners since I enrolled my partner in my health plan at work. But we haven't done all the legal paperwork our friends did, as it sounded complicated. Hearing about the civil union law in Illinois and the vote to repeal marriage in Iowa, we're even more confused about what we should do. It feels like these options keep changing and we don't know the differences among them.

A: You're not alone in feeling confused! And you're right that there has been steady change, with ugly steps backward but lots of progress, and we think that will continue. At present, states vary enormously in whether they offer same-sex couples full protection, no protection, or something in between. To sort out where states fall along this spectrum, we often group them into categories:

(1) Those where same-sex couples can marry (Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont and the District of Columbia).

(2) Those offering the same rights and responsibilities as marriage with a second-class name (California, Illinois, Nevada, New Jersey, Oregon and Washington).

(3) Those that offer limited protections (Colorado, Hawai'i, Maine, Maryland and Wisconsin).

(4) Those that probably respect marriages performed out-of-state, sometimes with limitations, based on longstanding laws that haven't been changed to treat gay people differently (Maryland, New Mexico, New York and Rhode Island) those that offer limited partner benefits to state employees (Alaska, Arizona, Montana, New Mexico and Rhode Island).

(5) And of course, states that offer nothing (the rest).

Many people tasked with helping same-sex couples—including lawyers and policymakers—get confused themselves, and will list a state like California or Washington (which provide the same rights as marriage, but call the status "domestic partnership" instead of "civil unions") with a state like Wisconsin (where "domestic partnership" means something limited in scope). And many states with no protections for same-sex couples in state law have partnership registries at the local level, which offer some official respect but not much legal protection.

So what's available and sensible for you depends on where you live, whether you are likely to move, and the future planning you and your partner share. Getting married may be a wonderful experience, but may create problems if your home state will not honor your marriage. This has been difficult for couples whose relationships did not work out because all states have a residency requirement for divorce.

Also, at present, the federal government generally won't honor same-sex couples' legal status as increasing numbers of states will do, even when their home state does. So even if you take on responsibility for each other under state law, you won't receive corresponding federal rights until we make more progress at the national level.

Even though laws continue to change and it's confusing, there are things you can do to protect your loved ones wherever you live. And Lambda Legal has information to help you make a start. Here is some background on the national family equality landscape. You can also call our Help Desk at 866-542-8336.